A Little MS with a Little MSW

I don’t trust what people present to the outside world. I know this is because I was raised by someone who has two drastically different facets to their personality. Has anyone ever asked you to use your ‘inside’ voice? What image does this drum up in your brain, on a scale of libraries and churches to rock concerts and conversations with great great grandma…

Inside the house, my mother’s voice embodied gritted teeth, spittle, and endless screaming. Outside the house, she exhibited warmth, friendliness, and laughter. I remain in awe, to this day, that those two personalities reside in the same “five foot nothing” human.

I was not physically abused, but the mental scars are many and they run deep. It is no mistake that my sister and I are both in the mental health field. Unbridled mental illness is a sight to behold. And once you’ve seen it, it can’t be unseen. Can light exist without darkness? Do warm, well-intentioned souls exist both in front of and behind closed doors?

Morality and character are okay with the spotlight. They don’t care if the door is open or closed, or if there even is a door. Imperfections are more likely to shine in comfortable and familiar settings, around those who love us the most…and I get that. But imperfections and radical shifts in the essence of one’s being are two drastically different things.

I want to believe in underbellies that are woven of mere imperfections of a slightly dark shade rather than the stark contrast of dark and light that taught me to tango during my first eighteen years of life. I want to believe your laugh, your smile, your commitment, your love. But at the same time, I can’t help but wonder what you are like… when no one is watching.